New Frontier

With Remi’s 1st birthday already come and gone, it was inevitable that this day would come. My maternity leave is over and I started work today. But the biggest step of all is that Remi starts full-time daycare.

Getting ready to go into daycare. I am sobbing under my mask.

This is a bittersweet moment for me.

You see, I was off early from work because of health issues, so it’s been almost 14 months that I have been devoid of work. For at least 3 months at the beginning of maternity leave I was lost. This tiny little human relied on me like no other has ever done before. But in all her dependence she was really like a little potato. I just had to keep her warm and fed and give her a warm body to snuggle and feel safe against.

Those days were the hardest for me. I was so used to having over 100 people a week interact with me. Talk to me. Laugh with me. Rely on me.

And now I was sitting there alone with my thoughts but completely occupied physically.

I emotionally was overwhelmed. All of my heart and soul was poured into the care of my babe. But my mind mentally felt addled and sluggish.

No matter how difficult it is to learn to speak the language of your babe, your academic mind is never stretch truly for those days.

I questioned who I was. What I really accomplished in my professional life before hand. Did it even matter at all? And if it didn’t, why was I doing it?

So many questions. So many different ways to rediscover this brave new world of motherhood I had so long desired to be a part of, and what role I was to play in it now.

As time passed, and so quickly it did, I found my stride.

My routine.

Her routine.

Our routine.

I never felt so full. I felt like a cup running over and not caring because the drink was so sweet.

In the longing to recapture and recreate that feeling, we wanted to do another IVF transfer at 8 month postpartum. And we did.

Fools do ever so rush in.

My mind may have been ready but my body was not. My hormonal fluctuations were everywhere. I was sick as a dog. (Where does that saying even come from?!) So much so, that my amazing mother-in-law and sister cam every week day for 8 weeks to help with Remi as my nausea was debilitating at the best of times.

Then there was the miscarriage. I cannot even go into the detail that that particular subject is wrought with and deserves. Just know it was another two weeks that I was not 100%.

Total of almost 3 months spent not completely invested in every minute with my daughter.

I know I had to try. I know I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t. I really wanted to be 4 months pregnant right now at this very moment.

But that was not in the stars for us.

Instead I have a vacuum now of 3 months that she saw less of me. It kills me. I feel mugged. Robbed of my future child and of those precious months with my darling little bear.

Alas, that is not what this is about. Not really.

It’s about going back into the workforce.

But not really.

The COVID double edged sword.

I guess what I am trying to say, is something all of you mothers already know and that I had to go through the experience of. . .

There was not enough time with my babe. And now that I go back to the workforce, having my babe away from me is torture.

But the kind of torture that I need. Like a good friend giving you a verbal slap and telling you to go change your shirt. Nobody wants to hear it but if I want to put my best foot forward, I need to wade through the pain of my stinging pride and change my damn shirt.

Or go back to work and send my daughter to full time daycare in this instance.

I do need to find out who I am now. Professionally. Personally. Where do those particular parts of me fit within being a wife and a mother?

Is there balance in the dance?

Will Remington still love me when she gets home? I know, I know. You all say “Yes of course Sharon. Don’t be dramatic.” But dreaming of her for so long and finally getting her here, then letting her go to grow is literally knocking the wind out of me.

Who am I when I am not being a mother? And is it even possible to function now with out maternal filtered lenses colouring your every choice? Governing your every thought?

COVID has added a hurdle to this that I never thought I would have to jump.

Our family unit being so recluse for so long has built in a dependency for our own design chaos to function. Taking out our tiny little bear shaped linchpin has already catapulted this house into an eerie silence.

Even the cat is spooked.

Even Mingy is missing the little bear and is keeping close to Bunbun

And because of COVID I am working from home. The place that one would be most mindful of her absence.

I think I will keep her Bunbun in my office with me until she gets home every night.

So it’s me and my keyboard, tap tap tapping away. Echoing through the silent void of the house and anxiously awaiting the return of Hurricane Remi.

Eagerly waiting to find out who the new Sharon is.

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Gin and Juice[box]